He was

He gently pushes the door open, slowly he runs his eyes across the busy cafe. It is loud with music and chitchats of teens and young people. He heads to his favorite stool at the corner, facing those big window that views the narrow busy street. He puts his bag, climbs up the stool and starts looking outside the window, people walking, couples and cars. reflections showing the people behind his back. His eyes get lost in those intersecting images. His mind is not clear for his heart is troubled. He has a question that only one could answer. He knows that looking for the answer would risk him his dearest. He doesn't take risks any more. Like war veterans he chose to wear his last war outfit. Though it never covers his old scars, it yet honors his sacred duty. He is the most awarded for giving himself up for those who never new his name, and even those who did, yet forgot. A man could stay locked in the peek of his time, a moment where the world ended for him, where eternity touched that instance of time. A moment when the sound of his heartbeats sound no more. Turning points could be the end of a man's life sometime. He is what he was.

Define me

Today, Driving by on the main stream bridge in the usually busy city of Cairo. I passed by a car with a young couple in it. The guy was busy trying to avoid his car getting bumped again while the young lady leaned back and rested her head and was far asleep. She was sweating and so uncomfortable, I could tell that as I passed by and saw her eyebrows quarreling together. And then I came back inside the walls of my mind and asked myself. Why? Why does life turn to be such a vesicle of tragedy? I had images of suffering and unease show in my mind. Why would one choose to live with another? Why pay the price? Why do? Why be? Why live? why breathe? Why suffer? Why Struggle? What is it that pushes you to live? And why Dream?! How come people are restless? Who has the answers? Who plants the questions within? It's so silly I write all this even.

"Life is a tragedy" said Lady Fantasy
"Fantasy is unrealistic" said Life
"Both of you make me who I am" said sir Tragedy

Marriage is such a scary decision. Commitment is such a burden. Loneliness is far more worse, It pushes two to make a scary decision and endure such burden. Whoever falls into the web of loneliness gets addicted to the daydreams of fantasy. Life is instability and constant change, Life? What is it? What is death? If a soul lives forever, then is there really something called death? If there is no death, then what is Life now? Or is death just another level of life? Another place for eternity? What is everything? Who am i?

I guess it all boils down to that last question.. Who am I? What am I? Define me

That absurd choice (1)

Today, I felt that sweet soft current. A slow but steady flowing deep stream of endless energy, yet so tender as silk and cotton. It washed my skin and healed my burnt skin. I closed my eyes and lost control over my worn out muscles. I was washed away by it's cleansing water of hope. Where am I flowing to? I have become a part of this current. I don't know anything but I feel a lot of things within my heart. My mind is senseless and my skin has surrendered. The winds of Life lift my feathers to a destiny and a destination. Blowing into such direction by the One who made all things. I learnt to let go. When I lost my grip over the land, I was lifted. and when I untied the ropes, my ship floated away from that harbor. It's amazing how life goes. one has to let go before he gets and loose before he wins. Who dares live with such faith? Who dares to follow his hope? Who wants that share in the Kingdom that now is nowhere!? Will you leave what you have for something you can't see just because you heard it's the best that could ever be? Would you even leave such humane materialistic wise choice for one that sounds so absurd? heh? Would you?

In wait of an appointed time

It's been long since I tapped in my feeling into this cold cyber world of nonsense. God I'm so rude! Sorry I'm just not feeling well. Spring, my favorite season of depression in Egypt. Spring here is mostly like summer but even worse, It's also comes up with southern sand storms that are so terrible.

The Kingdom of Egypt is so struck in the spiritual realm by spirits of stupidity and lust. And I thought Egypt was a pure place but really it is not. I guess after my trip to New York city I know this is a bloody mess here. Anyway, my dream stands but hardly holds on to faith.

O God, O God; why did you show me that vision? Like you said to John, It would be sweet in your mouth but bitter inside you. O Yes, it sure is! How sweet were the words, the promises and the hope, but it's so bitter to live for such fulfillment day by day. After such knowledge, reality becomes worse and life becomes unbearable, a burden and a very heavy yoke. And You LORD, You know. You have made me in such a way and changed my form in such a manner that puzzles my understanding. You know what You have put inside me, That which I don't understand but know so well. You know what triggers me and have set a time for me to do what I should. What I saw and what I long for. If it was not for that Bitter Sweet Purpose I wouldn't have come here and if You ever take it away from my book then put me to sleep with my fathers. I shall not ask for the time nor for You to rush things up for I know such knowledge is for You and is sealed from the ears of men. And though You pierce me, I shall wait. I know all will be in it's due time. All will be.

The moon triggered me

I have never seen the moon this beautiful before. Though incomplete yet I stare at it's amazing beauty, its solitude, it's silence. Through a little opening in my window I was touched by its soothing light, I was thinking how much I needed a woman's hug, her warmth and care. After all life's disappointments I look for a place to rest my head and feel I am taken care of. A woman I could trust with my life. My mind stops me, while my heart pushes me. I know times, and appointments, I know patience, trained for long years. Now the moon is gone again, leaving it's image in this dream in my head and some scattered words on the internet. I wish I could sleep again, dream again, rest again and die again.

A Whispering Dead.

I have become so thin, so pale and faint. I am an image of smoke, a whisper and a still scent. My color is not to be defined and my taste is so mild. I am, am not. I drink and am drunk. I long to fly and yes I do. I was pierced and torn and scarred, pressed down and crushed. My breath was squeezed out of me, my life was snatched and pulled away. All that I am was buried long ago, alive I was but time outrun me. I was forced to dissolve, pushed to be consumed by nature and forced to disperse my being into the stillness of the soil. Roots sucked me in and I was no more.

The Life I saw and the way I went turned me into something, not someone. Stripped me of my identity and deleted my name. I became nothing, yet i am. Though I was blindfolded, chained, castrated, torn apart and burnt to carbon, reduced to my elements; I go to places no one can, I talk and listen to secrets few know about, I breed an offspring that no one can seize, I move things nothing else can. I am no ghost but yes I have become one.

I brag, to him who reads, but deep inside I mean it not. If my heart was ever felt, pride wouldn't be found there. But how could it be ever felt? It's so faint like a smoking thread, of a whispering dead.

Shooting at Sharm

It's been a week now here, shooting with a new crew and cast. It's a casino, with a lot of half naked girls. A lot of proud actors and malicious filmmakers, a few are good in heart though. I am so tired, had some serious food poisoning along with many other crew members, cast and extras. My feet hurt so bad, sore and worn out. Bad shoes, bad pain, fortunately enough I will get paid tonight and tomorrow I will get me some shoes and a jacket.

Emotionally I am so worn out, my heart is pierced with a pike. I feel as if I don't feel anything at all. Numb. It's just normal for a guy like me. I always feel so and it's no surprise I guess I am used to it. Sometimes I feel that I will never get married or have a wife. My heart is a frozen piece of meat, even when it beats, it's just sustaining my body. Dead is me. Dying was my life. I am sick of people, I spend hours alone. Solitude is pleasure, my only friend is God. I don't put my hope on anyone because everyone I loved broke my heart someday in a way or another. Some cut me deep some scratched my wounds. What's the difference? They are a factor to keep me bleeding.

Prey

"Nice animal, after the pursuit, after the chase and the hunt, could be very useful. Let's stretch its skin and make some sort of drums or maybe some shoes. Lets take isn't muscles and turn them into some fat and burn it for some food, Lets use its intestines to make some strings and bands, Nice bones, we could use them to kill more of its kind!" said the hunters.

"They killed me" said the deceased prey.

Draft thoughts

Years, I spent wandering in this puzzling, wondering what's the rule or the law that binds it all together. Looking for the one in a million million instance when all those rules break apart where supernatural things happen. What's love? And what's life? Are we meant to live a random life where love and marriage is just another trick or treat? Is love a feeling or a meaning or a motive? Is love a spiritual gift or is it just another satisfaction of needs and habits? In this life, are we all meant to be heroes? Or just some anonymous background roles. Do others exist or is it just me?

For a while now I have been separated from my senses, I do what I hate and forget what I need, to live. All my words make perfect sense if one knows the clew. and the Clew is always in time and place. My hand pulses as my nerves are over stressed. I want to hide somewhere where it's quiet. Solitude is a warm blessing sometimes in a busy demanding life.

It's been couple of days, didn't talk with God for a while, something in me is not alright. Maybe because of the now career I have begun. Starting over when I am almost Thirty! Will I make it somewhere? Will I see the vision fulfilled?

Job Search

Today I went online to do some job hunting. Visited couple of well known websites, did my thing and the search results came with an absolute Zero results! Tried different key words, different ways.. Nothing! Later on I started to realize that I might not ever find a job this way, at least not in Egypt or the middle east. It is very frustrating, really. It seems like being a Filmmaker and a Director is not easy at all. I have see no hope, but yes, I still have Faith.

Status Functional

Stress Stress Stress, dead lines, running, not much time not much energy, Over loaded schedule! too tired, can’t find some sleep. Subway sometimes is so tricky, i end up taking the wrong trains a lot of time, thought each of them is significantly marked! it seems like my mind is stuck somewhere else, don’t know. Sleepless, seeking rest, mindless seeking an idea. what have I become? just another slot machine, put some food and water, press a button and it’s on the run again. Yet I feel, couple of days ago i thought I was numb, but actually I am not, I am burdened to the extent that I no longer know what I am doing no more. I don’t, I Function! That's ALL.

Stripped

Been a long long day, the final thing we had was an open audition. I watched a dozen talents perform, but only a few left a mark. It was a new experience to me, learnt a lot. Most of all I realized I had an eye for a director, I might not have discovered a talent, but at least I discovered myself. One of the comments that made me reach that realization was a comment made by one of the instructors that an actual director would know a talented actor from a non talented one in seconds. Amazingly I could read the talents the first couple of seconds they started acting! even if that first performance wasn't up to standard. I could see the fear in them, I could see the trapped talent too. It was great. But I am so tired.

Emotionally I am so exhausted, I don't know what I feel any more. I became so independent since I came here, loneliness doesn't hurt me any more. I don't feel love or hate. The only thing I feel is hunger and exhaustion, heh! crazy. I feel I am stripped out of my human feelings, like a lion bread for war, you will have to rip him into pieces before he gives in. What heart am I? What kind of man am I? What have I become? A monster, a beast, skinned alive and yet feels nothing. What do I do?? I only leave a question knowing that I might not find the answer, maybe never. I don't know.

Another Day

Another Day in New York, The weather is so changing, you cannot predict what tomorrow will bring. Went shooting yesterday with my team. we finished ahead of schedule, good. Today we got a lot of things to do too.. editing, directing and stuff. Tired. Guys here are so worried about the final project, well we should be anyway. I keep avoiding the thought of it. Anyway, It seems pretty engaging yet exhausting. After all that's what I expected anyway, I am not disappointed. That's good. I have to get going now, Got some Directing Craft session.