The Dream!

Walking along the unstopping roads of time, all through the hills of triumph and the valleys of weakness, around the borders of the never drying seas and the dehydrated deserts, over the mountains and beneath the caves. Now I stop to look back, I see all I have been through, all that I past and all that has past by me. And though I still am in the middle of nowhere, I still have something within me that keeps me going on. I see nothing for I am surrounded by the fog of the variables of the future, Though those variables are very well calculated and previously set to be in a delicate and particular form, the picture forms with time and in time it will be another clear skies. I admit I have no hope, But I have faith. A kind of faith that exists when all hope vanishes. A kind of Faith that doesn't need hope, neither feelings nor sanity. A faith that is counted lunacy and dismissed as foolishness. Yes, if you call it foolishness then I am proud to be one. I don't mind no more, I yet follow the Voice that woke me up one day from my dead sleep, That Voice that shook the dreams off my mind, Woke me up from my sleep to open my eyes to a Dream, Like nothing I ever imagined possible nor even fantasized about, A dream, My eyes are open wide and yet I can see. A dream that robbed me out of all other joys of life and rendered everything else in my life shallow and gloomy. A dream that placed me where I was supposed to be, consumed me like I was meant to, drifted me where I should have! To the ends of this earth I went, back and forth and God knows how many miles I shall walk more. I shall, Though for now I wait.. Still I hold on.

The day It was revealed to me I took it and claimed it mine, For which fool is he to leave a diamond that was granted freely to him? and who would not chase a rolling golden coin down the stairs? I found much much more than any living being could ever conceive! I shall not step back, ever! I became nothing and my dream became me, I became a dream, I live the dream, for it and by it! For It was the pleasure of Him to form me as I am for a reason, a vision and a dream. I am glad to live it and die within its chapters. It's an honor to be mentioned within its tales and stories and to be counted within its riddles.

Back to my senses now, I feel that cool spring breeze slip along my face with scents of the first fruits. Though I don't know how far I must go or how long it will take for me to reach it, My heart fills with joy. It beats a happy rhythm, careless, reckless and spontaneous. I don't care, I don't exist no more and I don't want to, count me dead or never been! Who cares? I don't and I am happy now, Happy when I am no more, Happy when I am gone, Happy to be a frame and an embodiment of Another. Given promises, trained, set and well prepared. All that I am is for this, and this is for greater good, for Else and yes for me. Me that is no more.

Either if I still breath or if I don't need it, I open my eyes and I see the dream, I see a different light, I see a beautiful Dawn. Secrets of the Ancient Days, News of the New Era. I see and know what my tongue is forbid to speak clearly about. Peace be to all, Love and Joy beyond measure. My heart is like a little child, I can't express can't explain. Can't explain why a flower finds joy to loose its beauty to become a fruit and a seed, to die and become another, same as its own kind. Nothing is in my hands now, now stick, no gold, not even another robe. I have nothing and yet I own everything, with authority over many. I need none, but that silky dream. That smooth transparent vision of a distant future that grows unnoticed within the beats of the moment. Although I had to die for it to be, I see myself within its pages. It's much more better to live within than to live without. The price has been paid and still is, every step, every thorn, every heartache, every sacrifice and every goodbye. Now, though I have never seen its fullest, I say.. it's worth it, No regrets what so ever. New I am for another trip and another walk, another danger, another challenge, another cut, another and another, I don't care. My hands wont let go, I hold on.. to the dream!

Job Search

Today I went online to do some job hunting. Visited couple of well known websites, did my thing and the search results came with an absolute Zero results! Tried different key words, different ways.. Nothing! Later on I started to realize that I might not ever find a job this way, at least not in Egypt or the middle east. It is very frustrating, really. It seems like being a Filmmaker and a Director is not easy at all. I have see no hope, but yes, I still have Faith.

Pygmalion, uncarved yet.

The silent surface of the pool was so celestial I couldn't resist flowing into it with my thoughts and mind as the water that drifts within its smoothly sliding current. There is much more beauty within the dead and the nonliving. Stones so real solid unchanging beauty more than the years of the loved ones. Make me a beauty out of marble, make her smooth, place her well. Make that statue for me, may the hands of the maker form her well. Blameless and flawless may she be.. But please don't give her life, don't open her eyes, nor revive her mind, keep her still, leave her there. Unspoilt and unbroken. Solitude is hers forever, not loneliness but a peaceful silent stable state of mind and heart, let her inclination be towards the dying seed of eternal life. I, given to make and change, given to create and destroy, to start and end, given a key and authority. The dying seed of eternal life was in me and yet to be and beyond it shall be. Where is the land that would be blessed by what is within me? where is this fruitful woman that will bear what I have and carry what I shall give, Am I not all that I give? Shall I not give all I was given? I shall not keep any for myself for I was called and I follow the voice of that call, Even if I don't hear it, I follow what I heard and what I already know. I follow through valleys of death, I have dwelt between my enemies more than the days I dwelt within the arms of my loved ones. Spirit! and What Spirit! Isn't it the Spirit of the Most High? Wasn't His power within me? And still is! Called to fulfill an ancient quest and to finish the work many has started and striven to continue. Yet Time is not here, not now, It has been and will come to be. Mold her a beauty, beyond all beauty ever witnessed, Make her fairness beyond all accurate measurements of man. Make her a bride! Make her a wife and a Mother full of grace and wonder. I have spoken of wonders beyond my humane, beyond my knowledge, beyond my dreams. Spoken and will speak, who will listen? Who will understand? who will reveal the secrets and riddles of my words? No mind will unlock those seals and no heart will feel their content. Only with the Spirit of Him, only for the given. On time. Bathed in fire I was and yes, the fire still flames within my inner being. The same fire that brings me life, that keeps me going, one day will consume me to my destiny and to my path where I long to end and reach it's prize. Look not at me, I am just a word, I was uttered with life, I was given but I am not the Giver! I am not but HE IS! Who am I? Yes, I am much, and more and yet, nothing.

I want to write more, much more, I want you to hear and see and stand in the light again. My child where have you gone to? Why so far you wandered? Why for so long? Am I not your father who loved you? Am I not your friend who laughed with you? Was I not He who supported you to Live? Was I not who gave you Love? Talk sense to me and tell me when did I leave you and where did I forsake you? Remind me once of anything that I let happen to you that wasn't for your ultimate benefit, you before anyone else and yet it was for every one's good! Talk to me about that which you think would make me regret anything I ever done or let happen to you. I know that silence will be your wisest answer and it shall be for you know that all you have which bothers you is your bitterness and childish selfishness. Son, its time you grow and it's time you leave those childhood days. It's time to be strong and stand up! It's time to carry my yoke and do my work. Battles are for men, and war is for those who can carry their shields. Lest your feet are firm and your shoulders are strong, you shall fall. Up you go, Get up! Be strong and I shall make you stronger, you shall fight by your father's side for I shall not leave you alone, you shall not fall nor stumble. I have never left you before and I shall never leave you, Ever!

Crestfallen

Too tired, my existing heart drained out, can't speak or make a familiar noise; can hardly whisper. My voice so faint I can hardly hear what my lips tell. Noisy land is where I live, people coming, others going, all are running. Fuel is how they get their energy, some fest on sex and others feed on romance. Tragedy is a drive and I am sick bored of that old soap opera, that ancient TV frame. Life is a lucid dream, and apparently we all want it a tragedy. My mind is so annoyed it will explode! My mind is so annoyed it will explode! My mind is so annoyed it will explode! Damn it will explode! I can't take their noises any more can't take it no more, can't! What happened to peace? what happened to what we called "communication" where is the "comm (common)" and "uni (one)" in the way we connect with each other?! What happened to my family and yours? I sit here as I watch my home from a far, dark and open place, I watch the windows and the lights, late at night. I squeezed some music in my ears and watched. The sky above is so quiet, stars are still, but down here, it's so loud, so vulgar chaotic. I feel so distant and so isolated, like I don't belong.. Yes, again that old feeling. My difference is so great I can't find a resemblance between my fathers and me but the skin I am wrapped in. Who am I? Why am I stuck in here? Will I live? or will I die? In Sinai where I am at the moment, Lot of people died here long ago, now they live and love. Where am I? Lost in a fallen land, in a dazed community, in a flood of contradictions! So tired, Mind so tired, So sick of the lies and disguise. So sick of that fake smile in your eyes. Go away, I need to be alone, I am happy on my own. Just go, let me be, let me breath, let my eyes see. Don't bother me with memories of you, I have a future and I have a lot to do. Just go and don't come back, I don't need you to waste my moment as you wasted all my past. You taught my heart sadness and gloom while life is all about joy, and spring bloom. I go, no more lingering behind, I have a train to catch and I will not miss it this time. I hear the call and I will follow, I will leave you my robe and my belts, Hold me not, let me be, just go, I am set free..

Lover behind the wall..

Pursuing a blind destination, my feet walk restless. On the tower of my head, my eyes watch and warn my mind silently. Mind drugged into its mad dance after my wild emotions that gone out of control long time ago. Damn! what am I writing? Am I not the lover I used to be? Who am I? My human side was buried along the sands of loneliness long ago when I thought I was in love, Stabbed a hundred times and betrayed a million! Oh I remember those days when my arms were open wide hugging life, when a smile was tattooed on my dancing heart. Day by day they poured acid onto my heart, pierced it and ripped it off my chest. That was the best song ever written, let him die, let him go. They sang it with all their breaths. With all their might and all the life within them. Now I went out to the markets and to the roads, I put on my mask and gave my love for free to the daughters of the philistines and the women of Canaan, They accepted me in their homes, brought water for my feet and food for my body. They saw the gold in my hands and the sweetness of my tongue and listened carefully, they treasured my words and dwelt on promises. They flew to the clouds and danced in the fields. They begged me to stay and held me, never letting go. And you O daughter of Israel, what have you done? O you ample of my eyes, you life of my heart where have you gone? For years I have knocked at your doors, I left you traces of me and my fragrance everywhere you went. I bribed the roses to remind you of my love, I have called the trees to mark my name, I smelted the metal and gathered the pearls from the blackness of the depth just for you. And so? You hardened your heart, Petrified your veins and frozen your eyes. You set high your walls and thickened your doors, moved your tents and covered your traces. If I was a beast of mischief or a man of iniquity wouldn't the scale of justice find a sentence for me? Wouldn't the cage and the sword hunt me? But I was counted with the wicked and numbered with your enemies and no fault or deceit lied within my being. I stretched my hand with peace and love to you, smiled with hope and spoken of a promise. Built you a home, created you a future, look up in the heavens as look at the plans I have for you. Sadly you turned away and pursued the drunken dreams of your ignorant heart. You followed the trend, expecting me to bend. Thinking my arm could be twisted and my mind could be changed you tried to dress me in your mediocre fantasies. Your plans were so small I didn't fit in them, your dreams were so selfish I wasn't counted within them. How many times did I wake you up from your drunkenness, many more have I covered your nakedness and all the time I was there for you and I never brought you to justice nor put you on trial. Though you have wronged me so much, my love for you was far beyond your sins. What was my crime that you would sin against me? Am I guilty of love? Or is it that you are red-handed double-crossing betrayer? You have split your heart and fooled your mind. You learned the ways of deceivers and followed the paths of the wicked. You looked within you for a god, crowned yourself on a throne and expected all to worship you. You set your seat in the midst of the stars and waited for everything to roam around you. You looked at me and waited for me to take my place in your foolish imaginary world. Ha! O look at you now? you sit within the dirt, you crown yourself Queen of nonsense and Mistress of vain! You open your eyes and yet you can't see. You talk to yourself cause there is no one there to answer you. All that you have built and all you have done is only in your head. And yet I still knock, behind the fences, doors and walls.. Wake up my love.. wake up my dear.. wake.. up.

A Warrior within Skin

I cornered myself in my quiet place, blocked my ears with some music. Held back my breath and blurred my vision, I drew back within the layers of my skin, conscious yet non responsive. Feeling so sick i want to puke, I want to throw my heart out, i want to erase my existence. Is it the light that brings out the faults of man, and reveals his sickness? or is it the darkness that brings man to the end of his tolerance to his fallen nature? Maybe both.. Too much blackness, too much light, so strong contrast, burns the eyes. My head is heavy, like that who is drunk, and him who is stoned. I need no drink nor drug, sorrow fills me and bitterness burns me, more than enough, more than enough. Sometimes I wish I could disappear, like jump into a silent dimension, a very slow moving one. I want to watch the birds fly, the breeze move the branches and the waves curl.. slowly, as slow as they could be. I want to see a smile on a pretty face, a dance of a baby girl, I want to hear the giggle of a child and a joke of a young lad. I want to stand by the cliffs at the edge of the ocean and feel the winds against my face. I want to hold hands with my woman, and take a walk on the sands of the beach. I want to be human again. Human, yes not like me, not like you, like human beings used to be. O sick an perverted generation what have we become? Now men are those who provide and women are those who look good. Ha! neither this nor that do I accept. To you a god is one who gives, and if he takes, then you believe in none. Home is where you live not where you belong and life is what you take not what you give! Love is lust and lust is all that matters! Existence is oneself and coexistence is your cherished! I have set my horns against your deceit, my face against your lies. Beneath the light I walk, your darkness trips my feet! Though I stumbled I shall rise and though I fell I shall stand again. I have set my life to push against you, I have dedicated my being to reveal the ugliness of your nakedness! If you were a man I would have wrestled against you in flesh but spirits float and are fought in ways the flesh is counted useless with. I fought you on the dry lands, in the wilderness and on the mountain tops, I fought you in the marches and after midnight, in reality and in surrealism! I fought you in freedom and in bondage, in strength and in weakness, in flesh and spirit, in words and deeds. In all my ways I stood against your lies and lies and lies. you blinded so many and lead them astray and the same poison you use on me! Behold if I fall a wave will cover me and the strength of mighty waters shall push you away, I will be set back on my feet, stronger and wider than you ever imagined. I was bread as a creature of war and a beast of burden, raised in the wilderness and nurtured by the drought, I need and I also want! Yet I get what I should have. I didn't ask for war! Didn't ask to live those times but here I am and Him who brought me here knows better that this is where I fit. Secrets are hidden with in me and I shall not reveal, words can't explain nor my will or the sound of wisdom recommend. Fire are within my eyes set up against your blackness, kindled by the heavenly Thunders of Seven. He who has put me under this yoke knows that I will pull it and bear it. And I shall, not because I can anymore, but because now is when He will do it for me. He.. my Creator, Protector.. He who called me. He who I trust and He will Save me!

She, at Mount Lebanon.

It has been years now, dwelt within battlefields and hid within treacherous caves. My eyes burn with bitterness of enmity, expecting a stab from all who come close, even some who follow my lead. I have seen a lot of betrayal and deception in my short life time, ones who claimed love and others who signed their promised on their so called rocks of remembrance. A lot of good blood was wasted, seen a lot of traces for the faithful. All goes in my mind and roams within my mind as I see a new pair of eyes. Friend or foe? False or true? Show me your fruits tree, and please prove me wrong. Prove me that this wasteland is a lushly meadow. It looks like it, but is it? Don't really know, I got my sword bare under my robes, and my dagger is close to my heart, my shield is always ready and never clean. Walking into a village, with all that I am dark, sun burnt, with rags that were once royal robes and hands that were ones innocent. They looked at me, dwellers of cottages and shacks of the mount Lebanon. Some stared at me as I went by, my troops were dismissed to buy themselves some provisions for the journey to come. I wandered alone for a while, seeking some peace and a little relief from the burdens of command. Underneath a tree, I saw a young lady, There she was among the young ones. Radiance of her spirit grabbed my attention, simple yet so free. Smiling I was, It has been a while since I saw a child play and giggle as he ran around, well she was tickling him all around! Till he finally was on the grass surrendering to that overwhelming tickling. I watched, as she hugged him, she was so full of warmth, she could calm him down and she could unleash his young madness. Something in her touch delivered a passion of feelings to this little boy, she could say anything she wanted to with her body language, but not just that. She noticed me as I was watching from a distance, I looked away, hid my eyes within the shadows of my face, but I traced her with my eyes. Somehow, don't know why she approached me. She had that sweet smile, we talked, introducing myself properly: a man of war. She wasn't bothered, nor irritated as all the daughters of these lands, she saw the scars of my past, and the wounds of time. I tried to scare her off in every way I could, pushed her away, but her spirit was so different. She held firm, like the best of my soldiers in battle she head a heart of a lion, couldn't shake her off. Ironic, I like her yet I push her away. I have to, I must. My life isn't like a safe haven for a princess, I dwell amongst thorns and within wastelands; it's not easy. I wouldn't drive my men to their doom, and sure I wouldn't drive a woman into pain. But she is no ordinary woman, I have seen none like her. A princess yet, she dwelt with peasants. A warrior though she lived with civilians. A healer among the sick. She bore her own burdens and a lot more from those who seek her support. She had a secret, and I revealed it. She knows where the springs flow, she knew where to drink the waters of strength, and how to rise for another day. I smile when I think of that. It's close to my secret too. She speaks the language of the old. A language that I speak, and Lord it sure sounds good to hear it! She has this warm and soft voice, resonates a loving mom and a lovely woman. And instinctively as the wild animal that I am, I watch her.. behind the leaves But she worries not, for it seems to me.. that she has found the little boy in me.

Jerubbaal's 300

They walked out of the bushes, down the mount of Gilead -The Heap of Testimony. They do not tremble before death, they escape no battles, they kneel not for man nor run away from beast, death is close, yet they don't step back. A fine breed of men that bend not for their needs yet answer the call of those who ask, ready to give it all. I have seen in their eyes, that fire kindled from the altar of Heaven. Their colors were like those of the lions of the wilderness, their skins bore thick and deep scars but though too many, are so few to the ones that pierced their hearts. Dead, though full of life, abandoned yet brought salvation. Though bitter, they were a sweet savor to the Lord and their people. The Amalekites and the Medianites were vast in numbers, like swarms of locust so was told., invincible enemy so was said. Something about their calmness was out of strength, something about their peace was because of their might, O men of God! Blessed be your names written in light in the eternal Book of Life. Splendor of Eagles and Courage of lions were within and upon them. Horned in power like wild bulls, yet so much wise as the face of man. Every step of the way, their minds held firm, holding pots and fire, horns of rams, following a man, who listens to the Voice that Speaks of Miracles and Wonders. A Voice like no other, misjudged by sanity and unfathomable to emotions, A Voice of One who is truly Faithful and Exceptionally Wise. Beyond Strength, more than Might, Wiser than wisdom and superior to logic.. He Is. God!

We lived as brothers and we die as friends, we follow the light of our hope till the end. My life is not much but our life is what we fight for. Something within me is so strong, something I know of yet I shall not reveal, behind the sacred curtains of my heart, in my inner most place. I walk the earth among the beasts of the land, I know who I am, where I am from and where I am going. O brothers, friends of my childhood we should go, Let your hearts be strengthened and your legs stand firm for tonight we shall see the promise of the Lord and we shall testify for His Faithfulness! Tonight is when our people declare the Holiness of the Lord, Tonight is when He brings Salvation to His people. Let not your lives be more precious than those who we defend! Let it be taken if it pleases the Lord, tonight! Shout for the Lord, Shout for Gideon! Let the battle start and worry not for when it ends. Come and fight you beasts of unholiness, come up and reveal your deceit. Let your numbers do the math for you and trick you to your doom, for flesh is no stronger than the Spirit of Fire that we carry within! Let nightmares disturb your sleep and fear consume your wake. Armies were given to the hand of defeat and warriors to the hand of death, But the soldiers of the Lord were delivered and their tents were saved. Tonight is when all comes to pass, Tonight!