Waves of that bright sun

I sailed endlessly in that golden sea of light, with its waves so curvy yet so tender. pearls of white sparkle underneath its secrets. Beautiful red fish swim in one accord together like well trained dancers. I saw those beautiful eyes looking down on me, like twin planets of amazing hallows around them. I paused and wondered, where was I? I found out I was lost in the sea of your beauty.

Tribute to a gorgeous woman who I dearly cherish.

Remembering

Tired, so tired. So much thoughts flow within my mind, like a wild mountain torrent, gushing water violently with rocks and pebbles. Something touches me within the sounds of nature, sounds of music and singing. The world of visuals have changed us dumb and alone. My single mind wildly rages against all the limits I have chosen as a safety zone, I drift in dangerous lands. Careful, that bear just lost her cubs. I don't expect to be understood for I don't expect a reader. What the hell is wrong with life? why is it going so wrong? Or is it that I was taught faulty about life and the balance of it. I wait and wait, till I die to know the truth. I don't believe the words of men any more, I reached that point where I see naked people, or should I say "People; naked" Motives, desires, needs and strength points. I have become so pale as a spirit, so transparent as a thought. You can hurt me with your breath and disperse my existence as a rising smoke. I am tired of all others, I find not myself with people, cause all that people want is themselves and not the other. Though I care about the people, they take but never give. A selfish globe that I wish I could leave right now, but Life, I was given; and Life, I live. The puke of my mind makes me more sick of myself, the sores of my heart grew beyond the size of it. Yes, I feel alone. People are just numbers when each count one. But where are you who count others along with yourself? Where is this being that reaches a hand for another? A romantic dream to find someone like so. someone who still remembers, still longs for that long buried secret of life. The source of warmth and light.. Do u still remember love? Do you?

The Dream!

Walking along the unstopping roads of time, all through the hills of triumph and the valleys of weakness, around the borders of the never drying seas and the dehydrated deserts, over the mountains and beneath the caves. Now I stop to look back, I see all I have been through, all that I past and all that has past by me. And though I still am in the middle of nowhere, I still have something within me that keeps me going on. I see nothing for I am surrounded by the fog of the variables of the future, Though those variables are very well calculated and previously set to be in a delicate and particular form, the picture forms with time and in time it will be another clear skies. I admit I have no hope, But I have faith. A kind of faith that exists when all hope vanishes. A kind of Faith that doesn't need hope, neither feelings nor sanity. A faith that is counted lunacy and dismissed as foolishness. Yes, if you call it foolishness then I am proud to be one. I don't mind no more, I yet follow the Voice that woke me up one day from my dead sleep, That Voice that shook the dreams off my mind, Woke me up from my sleep to open my eyes to a Dream, Like nothing I ever imagined possible nor even fantasized about, A dream, My eyes are open wide and yet I can see. A dream that robbed me out of all other joys of life and rendered everything else in my life shallow and gloomy. A dream that placed me where I was supposed to be, consumed me like I was meant to, drifted me where I should have! To the ends of this earth I went, back and forth and God knows how many miles I shall walk more. I shall, Though for now I wait.. Still I hold on.

The day It was revealed to me I took it and claimed it mine, For which fool is he to leave a diamond that was granted freely to him? and who would not chase a rolling golden coin down the stairs? I found much much more than any living being could ever conceive! I shall not step back, ever! I became nothing and my dream became me, I became a dream, I live the dream, for it and by it! For It was the pleasure of Him to form me as I am for a reason, a vision and a dream. I am glad to live it and die within its chapters. It's an honor to be mentioned within its tales and stories and to be counted within its riddles.

Back to my senses now, I feel that cool spring breeze slip along my face with scents of the first fruits. Though I don't know how far I must go or how long it will take for me to reach it, My heart fills with joy. It beats a happy rhythm, careless, reckless and spontaneous. I don't care, I don't exist no more and I don't want to, count me dead or never been! Who cares? I don't and I am happy now, Happy when I am no more, Happy when I am gone, Happy to be a frame and an embodiment of Another. Given promises, trained, set and well prepared. All that I am is for this, and this is for greater good, for Else and yes for me. Me that is no more.

Either if I still breath or if I don't need it, I open my eyes and I see the dream, I see a different light, I see a beautiful Dawn. Secrets of the Ancient Days, News of the New Era. I see and know what my tongue is forbid to speak clearly about. Peace be to all, Love and Joy beyond measure. My heart is like a little child, I can't express can't explain. Can't explain why a flower finds joy to loose its beauty to become a fruit and a seed, to die and become another, same as its own kind. Nothing is in my hands now, now stick, no gold, not even another robe. I have nothing and yet I own everything, with authority over many. I need none, but that silky dream. That smooth transparent vision of a distant future that grows unnoticed within the beats of the moment. Although I had to die for it to be, I see myself within its pages. It's much more better to live within than to live without. The price has been paid and still is, every step, every thorn, every heartache, every sacrifice and every goodbye. Now, though I have never seen its fullest, I say.. it's worth it, No regrets what so ever. New I am for another trip and another walk, another danger, another challenge, another cut, another and another, I don't care. My hands wont let go, I hold on.. to the dream!

Job Search

Today I went online to do some job hunting. Visited couple of well known websites, did my thing and the search results came with an absolute Zero results! Tried different key words, different ways.. Nothing! Later on I started to realize that I might not ever find a job this way, at least not in Egypt or the middle east. It is very frustrating, really. It seems like being a Filmmaker and a Director is not easy at all. I have see no hope, but yes, I still have Faith.

Pygmalion, uncarved yet.

The silent surface of the pool was so celestial I couldn't resist flowing into it with my thoughts and mind as the water that drifts within its smoothly sliding current. There is much more beauty within the dead and the nonliving. Stones so real solid unchanging beauty more than the years of the loved ones. Make me a beauty out of marble, make her smooth, place her well. Make that statue for me, may the hands of the maker form her well. Blameless and flawless may she be.. But please don't give her life, don't open her eyes, nor revive her mind, keep her still, leave her there. Unspoilt and unbroken. Solitude is hers forever, not loneliness but a peaceful silent stable state of mind and heart, let her inclination be towards the dying seed of eternal life. I, given to make and change, given to create and destroy, to start and end, given a key and authority. The dying seed of eternal life was in me and yet to be and beyond it shall be. Where is the land that would be blessed by what is within me? where is this fruitful woman that will bear what I have and carry what I shall give, Am I not all that I give? Shall I not give all I was given? I shall not keep any for myself for I was called and I follow the voice of that call, Even if I don't hear it, I follow what I heard and what I already know. I follow through valleys of death, I have dwelt between my enemies more than the days I dwelt within the arms of my loved ones. Spirit! and What Spirit! Isn't it the Spirit of the Most High? Wasn't His power within me? And still is! Called to fulfill an ancient quest and to finish the work many has started and striven to continue. Yet Time is not here, not now, It has been and will come to be. Mold her a beauty, beyond all beauty ever witnessed, Make her fairness beyond all accurate measurements of man. Make her a bride! Make her a wife and a Mother full of grace and wonder. I have spoken of wonders beyond my humane, beyond my knowledge, beyond my dreams. Spoken and will speak, who will listen? Who will understand? who will reveal the secrets and riddles of my words? No mind will unlock those seals and no heart will feel their content. Only with the Spirit of Him, only for the given. On time. Bathed in fire I was and yes, the fire still flames within my inner being. The same fire that brings me life, that keeps me going, one day will consume me to my destiny and to my path where I long to end and reach it's prize. Look not at me, I am just a word, I was uttered with life, I was given but I am not the Giver! I am not but HE IS! Who am I? Yes, I am much, and more and yet, nothing.

I want to write more, much more, I want you to hear and see and stand in the light again. My child where have you gone to? Why so far you wandered? Why for so long? Am I not your father who loved you? Am I not your friend who laughed with you? Was I not He who supported you to Live? Was I not who gave you Love? Talk sense to me and tell me when did I leave you and where did I forsake you? Remind me once of anything that I let happen to you that wasn't for your ultimate benefit, you before anyone else and yet it was for every one's good! Talk to me about that which you think would make me regret anything I ever done or let happen to you. I know that silence will be your wisest answer and it shall be for you know that all you have which bothers you is your bitterness and childish selfishness. Son, its time you grow and it's time you leave those childhood days. It's time to be strong and stand up! It's time to carry my yoke and do my work. Battles are for men, and war is for those who can carry their shields. Lest your feet are firm and your shoulders are strong, you shall fall. Up you go, Get up! Be strong and I shall make you stronger, you shall fight by your father's side for I shall not leave you alone, you shall not fall nor stumble. I have never left you before and I shall never leave you, Ever!

Crestfallen

Too tired, my existing heart drained out, can't speak or make a familiar noise; can hardly whisper. My voice so faint I can hardly hear what my lips tell. Noisy land is where I live, people coming, others going, all are running. Fuel is how they get their energy, some fest on sex and others feed on romance. Tragedy is a drive and I am sick bored of that old soap opera, that ancient TV frame. Life is a lucid dream, and apparently we all want it a tragedy. My mind is so annoyed it will explode! My mind is so annoyed it will explode! My mind is so annoyed it will explode! Damn it will explode! I can't take their noises any more can't take it no more, can't! What happened to peace? what happened to what we called "communication" where is the "comm (common)" and "uni (one)" in the way we connect with each other?! What happened to my family and yours? I sit here as I watch my home from a far, dark and open place, I watch the windows and the lights, late at night. I squeezed some music in my ears and watched. The sky above is so quiet, stars are still, but down here, it's so loud, so vulgar chaotic. I feel so distant and so isolated, like I don't belong.. Yes, again that old feeling. My difference is so great I can't find a resemblance between my fathers and me but the skin I am wrapped in. Who am I? Why am I stuck in here? Will I live? or will I die? In Sinai where I am at the moment, Lot of people died here long ago, now they live and love. Where am I? Lost in a fallen land, in a dazed community, in a flood of contradictions! So tired, Mind so tired, So sick of the lies and disguise. So sick of that fake smile in your eyes. Go away, I need to be alone, I am happy on my own. Just go, let me be, let me breath, let my eyes see. Don't bother me with memories of you, I have a future and I have a lot to do. Just go and don't come back, I don't need you to waste my moment as you wasted all my past. You taught my heart sadness and gloom while life is all about joy, and spring bloom. I go, no more lingering behind, I have a train to catch and I will not miss it this time. I hear the call and I will follow, I will leave you my robe and my belts, Hold me not, let me be, just go, I am set free..

Lover behind the wall..

Pursuing a blind destination, my feet walk restless. On the tower of my head, my eyes watch and warn my mind silently. Mind drugged into its mad dance after my wild emotions that gone out of control long time ago. Damn! what am I writing? Am I not the lover I used to be? Who am I? My human side was buried along the sands of loneliness long ago when I thought I was in love, Stabbed a hundred times and betrayed a million! Oh I remember those days when my arms were open wide hugging life, when a smile was tattooed on my dancing heart. Day by day they poured acid onto my heart, pierced it and ripped it off my chest. That was the best song ever written, let him die, let him go. They sang it with all their breaths. With all their might and all the life within them. Now I went out to the markets and to the roads, I put on my mask and gave my love for free to the daughters of the philistines and the women of Canaan, They accepted me in their homes, brought water for my feet and food for my body. They saw the gold in my hands and the sweetness of my tongue and listened carefully, they treasured my words and dwelt on promises. They flew to the clouds and danced in the fields. They begged me to stay and held me, never letting go. And you O daughter of Israel, what have you done? O you ample of my eyes, you life of my heart where have you gone? For years I have knocked at your doors, I left you traces of me and my fragrance everywhere you went. I bribed the roses to remind you of my love, I have called the trees to mark my name, I smelted the metal and gathered the pearls from the blackness of the depth just for you. And so? You hardened your heart, Petrified your veins and frozen your eyes. You set high your walls and thickened your doors, moved your tents and covered your traces. If I was a beast of mischief or a man of iniquity wouldn't the scale of justice find a sentence for me? Wouldn't the cage and the sword hunt me? But I was counted with the wicked and numbered with your enemies and no fault or deceit lied within my being. I stretched my hand with peace and love to you, smiled with hope and spoken of a promise. Built you a home, created you a future, look up in the heavens as look at the plans I have for you. Sadly you turned away and pursued the drunken dreams of your ignorant heart. You followed the trend, expecting me to bend. Thinking my arm could be twisted and my mind could be changed you tried to dress me in your mediocre fantasies. Your plans were so small I didn't fit in them, your dreams were so selfish I wasn't counted within them. How many times did I wake you up from your drunkenness, many more have I covered your nakedness and all the time I was there for you and I never brought you to justice nor put you on trial. Though you have wronged me so much, my love for you was far beyond your sins. What was my crime that you would sin against me? Am I guilty of love? Or is it that you are red-handed double-crossing betrayer? You have split your heart and fooled your mind. You learned the ways of deceivers and followed the paths of the wicked. You looked within you for a god, crowned yourself on a throne and expected all to worship you. You set your seat in the midst of the stars and waited for everything to roam around you. You looked at me and waited for me to take my place in your foolish imaginary world. Ha! O look at you now? you sit within the dirt, you crown yourself Queen of nonsense and Mistress of vain! You open your eyes and yet you can't see. You talk to yourself cause there is no one there to answer you. All that you have built and all you have done is only in your head. And yet I still knock, behind the fences, doors and walls.. Wake up my love.. wake up my dear.. wake.. up.

A Warrior within Skin

I cornered myself in my quiet place, blocked my ears with some music. Held back my breath and blurred my vision, I drew back within the layers of my skin, conscious yet non responsive. Feeling so sick i want to puke, I want to throw my heart out, i want to erase my existence. Is it the light that brings out the faults of man, and reveals his sickness? or is it the darkness that brings man to the end of his tolerance to his fallen nature? Maybe both.. Too much blackness, too much light, so strong contrast, burns the eyes. My head is heavy, like that who is drunk, and him who is stoned. I need no drink nor drug, sorrow fills me and bitterness burns me, more than enough, more than enough. Sometimes I wish I could disappear, like jump into a silent dimension, a very slow moving one. I want to watch the birds fly, the breeze move the branches and the waves curl.. slowly, as slow as they could be. I want to see a smile on a pretty face, a dance of a baby girl, I want to hear the giggle of a child and a joke of a young lad. I want to stand by the cliffs at the edge of the ocean and feel the winds against my face. I want to hold hands with my woman, and take a walk on the sands of the beach. I want to be human again. Human, yes not like me, not like you, like human beings used to be. O sick an perverted generation what have we become? Now men are those who provide and women are those who look good. Ha! neither this nor that do I accept. To you a god is one who gives, and if he takes, then you believe in none. Home is where you live not where you belong and life is what you take not what you give! Love is lust and lust is all that matters! Existence is oneself and coexistence is your cherished! I have set my horns against your deceit, my face against your lies. Beneath the light I walk, your darkness trips my feet! Though I stumbled I shall rise and though I fell I shall stand again. I have set my life to push against you, I have dedicated my being to reveal the ugliness of your nakedness! If you were a man I would have wrestled against you in flesh but spirits float and are fought in ways the flesh is counted useless with. I fought you on the dry lands, in the wilderness and on the mountain tops, I fought you in the marches and after midnight, in reality and in surrealism! I fought you in freedom and in bondage, in strength and in weakness, in flesh and spirit, in words and deeds. In all my ways I stood against your lies and lies and lies. you blinded so many and lead them astray and the same poison you use on me! Behold if I fall a wave will cover me and the strength of mighty waters shall push you away, I will be set back on my feet, stronger and wider than you ever imagined. I was bread as a creature of war and a beast of burden, raised in the wilderness and nurtured by the drought, I need and I also want! Yet I get what I should have. I didn't ask for war! Didn't ask to live those times but here I am and Him who brought me here knows better that this is where I fit. Secrets are hidden with in me and I shall not reveal, words can't explain nor my will or the sound of wisdom recommend. Fire are within my eyes set up against your blackness, kindled by the heavenly Thunders of Seven. He who has put me under this yoke knows that I will pull it and bear it. And I shall, not because I can anymore, but because now is when He will do it for me. He.. my Creator, Protector.. He who called me. He who I trust and He will Save me!

She, at Mount Lebanon.

It has been years now, dwelt within battlefields and hid within treacherous caves. My eyes burn with bitterness of enmity, expecting a stab from all who come close, even some who follow my lead. I have seen a lot of betrayal and deception in my short life time, ones who claimed love and others who signed their promised on their so called rocks of remembrance. A lot of good blood was wasted, seen a lot of traces for the faithful. All goes in my mind and roams within my mind as I see a new pair of eyes. Friend or foe? False or true? Show me your fruits tree, and please prove me wrong. Prove me that this wasteland is a lushly meadow. It looks like it, but is it? Don't really know, I got my sword bare under my robes, and my dagger is close to my heart, my shield is always ready and never clean. Walking into a village, with all that I am dark, sun burnt, with rags that were once royal robes and hands that were ones innocent. They looked at me, dwellers of cottages and shacks of the mount Lebanon. Some stared at me as I went by, my troops were dismissed to buy themselves some provisions for the journey to come. I wandered alone for a while, seeking some peace and a little relief from the burdens of command. Underneath a tree, I saw a young lady, There she was among the young ones. Radiance of her spirit grabbed my attention, simple yet so free. Smiling I was, It has been a while since I saw a child play and giggle as he ran around, well she was tickling him all around! Till he finally was on the grass surrendering to that overwhelming tickling. I watched, as she hugged him, she was so full of warmth, she could calm him down and she could unleash his young madness. Something in her touch delivered a passion of feelings to this little boy, she could say anything she wanted to with her body language, but not just that. She noticed me as I was watching from a distance, I looked away, hid my eyes within the shadows of my face, but I traced her with my eyes. Somehow, don't know why she approached me. She had that sweet smile, we talked, introducing myself properly: a man of war. She wasn't bothered, nor irritated as all the daughters of these lands, she saw the scars of my past, and the wounds of time. I tried to scare her off in every way I could, pushed her away, but her spirit was so different. She held firm, like the best of my soldiers in battle she head a heart of a lion, couldn't shake her off. Ironic, I like her yet I push her away. I have to, I must. My life isn't like a safe haven for a princess, I dwell amongst thorns and within wastelands; it's not easy. I wouldn't drive my men to their doom, and sure I wouldn't drive a woman into pain. But she is no ordinary woman, I have seen none like her. A princess yet, she dwelt with peasants. A warrior though she lived with civilians. A healer among the sick. She bore her own burdens and a lot more from those who seek her support. She had a secret, and I revealed it. She knows where the springs flow, she knew where to drink the waters of strength, and how to rise for another day. I smile when I think of that. It's close to my secret too. She speaks the language of the old. A language that I speak, and Lord it sure sounds good to hear it! She has this warm and soft voice, resonates a loving mom and a lovely woman. And instinctively as the wild animal that I am, I watch her.. behind the leaves But she worries not, for it seems to me.. that she has found the little boy in me.

Jerubbaal's 300

They walked out of the bushes, down the mount of Gilead -The Heap of Testimony. They do not tremble before death, they escape no battles, they kneel not for man nor run away from beast, death is close, yet they don't step back. A fine breed of men that bend not for their needs yet answer the call of those who ask, ready to give it all. I have seen in their eyes, that fire kindled from the altar of Heaven. Their colors were like those of the lions of the wilderness, their skins bore thick and deep scars but though too many, are so few to the ones that pierced their hearts. Dead, though full of life, abandoned yet brought salvation. Though bitter, they were a sweet savor to the Lord and their people. The Amalekites and the Medianites were vast in numbers, like swarms of locust so was told., invincible enemy so was said. Something about their calmness was out of strength, something about their peace was because of their might, O men of God! Blessed be your names written in light in the eternal Book of Life. Splendor of Eagles and Courage of lions were within and upon them. Horned in power like wild bulls, yet so much wise as the face of man. Every step of the way, their minds held firm, holding pots and fire, horns of rams, following a man, who listens to the Voice that Speaks of Miracles and Wonders. A Voice like no other, misjudged by sanity and unfathomable to emotions, A Voice of One who is truly Faithful and Exceptionally Wise. Beyond Strength, more than Might, Wiser than wisdom and superior to logic.. He Is. God!

We lived as brothers and we die as friends, we follow the light of our hope till the end. My life is not much but our life is what we fight for. Something within me is so strong, something I know of yet I shall not reveal, behind the sacred curtains of my heart, in my inner most place. I walk the earth among the beasts of the land, I know who I am, where I am from and where I am going. O brothers, friends of my childhood we should go, Let your hearts be strengthened and your legs stand firm for tonight we shall see the promise of the Lord and we shall testify for His Faithfulness! Tonight is when our people declare the Holiness of the Lord, Tonight is when He brings Salvation to His people. Let not your lives be more precious than those who we defend! Let it be taken if it pleases the Lord, tonight! Shout for the Lord, Shout for Gideon! Let the battle start and worry not for when it ends. Come and fight you beasts of unholiness, come up and reveal your deceit. Let your numbers do the math for you and trick you to your doom, for flesh is no stronger than the Spirit of Fire that we carry within! Let nightmares disturb your sleep and fear consume your wake. Armies were given to the hand of defeat and warriors to the hand of death, But the soldiers of the Lord were delivered and their tents were saved. Tonight is when all comes to pass, Tonight!

With them Ghosts!

My eyelids fall, blocking light from reaching my pale and colorless senses. A beast I have become and a dweller of dark caves. A ghost, an unnoticeable presence, though alive, considered dead. Weird.. People think ghosts are dead beings who appear in life, might be true but there other type of ghosts you don't know about, the ones you ignore, the ones you neglect, the ones that screamed for a smile and starved for a gentle touch. The one you persecuted and deserted, the ones you pierced with your criticism, the ones you highlighted their failures. That girl with glasses and untidy hair, she looks on the ground as she walks, looks at the smartest boy and dreams about him knowing she can never be with him, she's only a ghost, to him she's transparent, invisible.. Not even a woman, not worthy of a man. A dog and an insect. There is an old man, he sits at the sideway. Eating some sandwiches wrapped in oily newspapers. His jacket lasted many winters, and his shoes have survived many wholes. His watch rarely works, and his hair flows wild. He looks at you as you drive your car, or as you joke with your friends, he smiles maybe you could spare him some of the luxury that you yourself consider normal. He's only a reflection that sweeps by your windshield as you drive on by. Unnoticed, He is a ghost. I saw a mother, down on the ground, sweeping the floor for her mistress, She bends and twists, her bones hurt and her back burns, her knees crack and squeak and her pride lusts for a word of praise or appreciation. Her master the 13 years old child throws an empty wrapping, she crawls and picks it up, as if she was given hands and he wasn't meant to use his! She's a shadow and a ghost to him. I saw a young man, though not a super model, but a genius, alone he walked, alone he dwelt, and alone he died. He used to talk to you on the phone but you never paid attention to his words, wasn't interesting to you cause he never subjected your mind to foolishness nor supported your stupidity, You called him boring and lame, thought if you listened to his advice you would have avoided your shame! And though you didn't know where he went, he knew where you are.

And you scream at night you think you saw a ghost! And your hair turns white from fear! Dear there are no ghosts, those you see are the ones you decided not to notice, the ones you closed your ears to their screams and their needs that you could provide easily.

I choose, not to be with you. I will choose to be one of them ghosts rather than sharing your lifetime of nonsense, I don't care. I close my eyes and here they are, friends. Outcasts of that sick human community. Rejects of people like you. I have heard their screams, heard their stories, lived their lives. And believe it or not, there is more truth and value in them that in those books you were proud to study. Don't tell me your a priest, don't tell me you are man of God! Don't pretend you are a minister or a president! I don't care. You see all good you did for your friends and even boost about all hell you broke loose against your enemies. What in all that is worth to be proud of? your selfish foolish undeveloped animal nature? Or is it your self-righteous claimed to be civilized life? What have you made out of the human race? Pretenders! Clones and Fakes! No Clone who you want, I shall not join you in your foolish heaven. I choose them ghosts, those rejects, there is more life in them dead than those who claim to be alive.

For days I have thought, I earnestly watched people. I even put on their minds, their lives and their skins. I walked in every way man has ever paved. Did all people did in secret and in public. And it's all the same! Nothing is new! And most of all, It's all a sick perverted song of one who seeks love. But Love couldn't be found in the arms of a prostitute or with the partnership of a pervert homosexual being. Love is not a fetish fulfilled nor a lust achieved. Love is not what you get when you are rich or when you succeed. Love is not to be found where matter prevails. You dwell in the land of salt and vinegar, you dig wells and you seek water but all you get is bitterness and regrets. There is no water for you, you live and die in your filth. But those who walk away from your paths shall find the life and the essence of existence, and they shall have their lives and more over. I go with them ghosts, and together we will find us Life.

Sailing Cape Town

Old sails, built to defy fierce oppressive, fierce, and overwhelming forces of the ocean. Many have sailed and left memories for their widows as they lay in wait at the harbor. Piers soaked with tears much more than it was ever soaked with waves and rain. And yet I still sail, burdened with the responsibility of lives so many. For years I have put on many hats, but this one held so tight I couldn't take off; or maybe I wouldn't. In the middle of the ocean, life is a ship, home is a deck and pride is a flag. Sailors are unique creatures, trapped in their own minds, on a lonely float. They interpret life and all the unknown, all that dwells above and all that lie beneath according to their secret thinking. Navigating crew, we sailed south, towards the cape of Africa, towards their worst fears. Some think demons dwell on those rocks, others envision sirens, hoping of a sweet death. "The captain is an old restless fool" they think, I smile unnoticed, like a faint ghost, as a silent spirit. I've worked with man sailors, and I know the thoughts of this ship. Nothing surprises me any old way. Without a sword, or a loud voice.. I still know how to freeze someone out. It's not worth it now, we are caught up in the eye of a storm.

Till now I have cut the main sail loose, fixed my rudder, and sealed couple of sailors in the brig. Some think we are doomed, others; cursed and the rest are drinking the night away. A shark is now a blessing for a few of them, the great whites linger around. For me the storm is so quiet, slow; and thought scenes flash before my eyes, even memories of my past, my senses quieten. Chaos is a highly organized wisdom making a severe change. Chaos is the mire clay out of which creation came to existence. Dust today is so worthless, but deep in that vast space, it was Priceless! Come to think of it, Man was created out of dust. Amazes me how we spit on the same path we walk on, our origin. Now, we are only caught in the rage of the same old earth we ignored, a careless mass mindlessly brawling, with a ship's fate sliding along the endless mathematical probabilities. A dice of live or die. Fortunately it's not up to chance, neither it is up to fate. All the obscurities that a mindless sailor could utter in his endeavor to fathom the sensible obliviousness of life.

Black, Seemingly endless. Salt and sweat. Pain and the strife for ones life. A woman prays at home, while a husband hangs by a thread. Irony I see, silent I be. Smile? Why not? It's over now. Ship sails wounded as it's blood trails its soon to vanish traces at those raging waters. The sea remembers none, but the fearful remember all.

May sunshine wash away the salt on your wounds,
May light blow away that smoke in your eyes.
May you get those wings, and fly,
and your sails hold, so strong, so high.

O Mate let your hands be strong, Our night is so long.
Sing to thee and sing to me, out of the trap may we flee.
Onto the light lead me, skipper, that light, again I want to see.
Sing to thee and sing to me, out of the trap may we flee.

Sing lads, round the cape, sing your troubles away.. All the way.

The Indomitable Autonomy

Persecuted and paralyzed they were. Feeble and frail in their own lands; like a chick, chilled to the marrow they screamed. Unshakable heart bounces at no angst creep. A lion retreats at the sound of a crow nor does he care to return the caw. Birds may fly as they wish but in the end they fall. Lions live forever. My words are like none ever written nor shall be found again, The wise shall not understand them, neither the witty will. Their riddles are of endless denotations yet ever twisting connotations meant to dazzle and puzzle all but for the few elect. I care for no one to know or understand yet I know there is One who does; and few others who do,but not yet.

In my lands there is freedom, there is might and there is pride. We have been given all from above, and none shall take it from us. I stood and fought on the hill tops and deep in the valleys. I lead men of great distress and hearts of bitterness. Wild dogs of war that bit the hands that fed them as well as the hand that bright the sticks and stones against them. I laid and slept on the rocks of the cliffs at the edges of the world where none survived, I found abundance in all. Who are you squeaking widow? and who are you breathless artemisian branch? You claim to heal but you do nothing but peculate, and from the innocent you retaliate. Away from me you doers of evil, curses is what you gained and sickness is what have yield. My land gives no spoil, nor my borders leave its goodness for the storm. Milk and honey turn to poison and venom. The Thorns are abundant for those who walk into my territory, and all those who dares, I defeat with my Ever burning Horn, My Horn of Salvation, Burns His anger against my enemies and Rests He not until He avenges me, You have tasted the poison and yet you did not quit, you have seen the signs and yet you did not retreat. And now His Justice shall come down on you and His angel shall Establish his feet in your cave, his sword is against you until The Lord brings me back what you have stolen and retrieve what belongs to me. Until that day you shall not understand for wisdom have been kept from your eyes for the day of judgment. On that day I shall watch the Vengeance my Lord shall bring. And I will rejoice for my Father sleeps not, He is in the Lines of His Army. On that day I shall Shout His name with joy and my voice shall shake the foundations of the strongholds of all. That everyone shall know that Lord is God and before Him stands no one, no one dares.

Uncovering Machination

We walked into their lands, with birds of peace flying over our heads. Branches of olives, bread and wine. Music playing cheerfully, singers singing and the kids are playing. Neighbors and friends we called them, brothers. Lets dwell together, let's coexist and unite. We opened our arms open wide, we drew a big smile on our faces, presented our best gifts. But..

A dagger for a gift, a scorpion for a bird, a sword for an olive branch.

O you treacherous waters, you deceptive ivy! You lift up your stature leaning on the mighty and proclaim glory for your twisted ways! O ivy of gloom and mugginess. Green yet sickens him who rests underneath your shadows. Your stink have reached your neighbors and your notoriety have been fixed to your roots.

The Eyes of the Lord is upon the actions of man, He judges, and avenges. We lift our cause to Him, and in His courts we await justice. Surely He will deliver us and swiftly.

Diaries of an old Lion

Space, black and endless. Ever stretching through time. I was there floating and rolling into nowhere. Through time, I was there.. wondering, what is time? Life is just a moment, an instance. The past is no more and the future is just a picture painted with hope and fears. Turbid space, slow and honey. Blue and black. Hated before I was introduced and betrayed after giving all. A fruit, picked up, bitten, enjoyed and long forgotten. Trampled and cursed, though all I brought was a blessing. I was found, where nobody cared to look, rescued where no one dared to go, redeemed while every one awaited my judgment days. Didn't feel I belonged anywhere I have been. Air is not my medium, nor water nor fire or soil. Burnt, buried, drowned and blown away even though, I know where I belong; In a realm of overwhelming invisible reality. I found a gate, I was called through. I found warmth where it was freezing all around, strength when everything fell apart. Light came upon me, my feet never failed me, I stumble but I don't fall, and if ever I fell, I was up again and running. Years passed now and I have dwelt there, days and nights, till I myself turned to be transparent. Eyes can easily see through me, yet no mind can understand me. I oppose no one by force, but in the strength of my will I turn realities around. Miracles happen around me even if didn't even ask. I wish it was me, but it's not.

I have been glorified for the Name of the One I follow, and Him who I worship. He made a fence around me, made my enemies His, and my challenges as His own. Never did He leave me nor forsake me. He found me, abandoned by all, forsaken and wanted dead. Out of the hands of the strong He snatched me, spared my life and ransomed me, protected me with His Shield and His mighty sword. Even since I was a child, and an unborn. Under a victorious banner, I was raised, tough and strong yet my heart carries the memories. I smile when I listen to music or when I watch the clouds. I know how much life is beautiful for I tasted the bitterness of death. As careless as a lion could be among the harmless herd I am. If it wasn't for God, I wouldn't have survived so far, and now I have grown up to be a fearless lion. Old, yet always ready for war. Scars of my past are nothing but my Medals of Honor, Memoirs of Valor and a constant reminder of my Lord's extraordinary battle for my existence. As a warrior and King, He is my Crown and in Him is all my honor and kingdom. My Rock Shield and sword! My Lord

A Sensible Reason for Worry?

One thing about the mind is that it hardly stops, if it does; life ends; biological and social functions dissolve into numbness, then man dies and his memory fades. I guess that's why there is what we call worry. Intensive thinking in an imaginary venture to save one's life or valuables. Some trust a Higher Power, some believe in luck, some wait for a coincident or even a happy accident. As for me I trust in God and I don't believe in coincidence nor luck. But as human as I am I still worry, and a lot. failures of the past scare me that the future would be just as bad, and so I waste my present thinking of the future. And since the future is just a thought and all we know about is a hint, that intensive thinking is nothing but a waste of energy on a coiling phrase.. "I don't want it to be as bad as yesterday.. I don't"

Alive

In a foreign land I called, out of a rolling machinery I rose seeking a light, and a breath of fresh air. I walked thousand of miles, ran, fell, climbed and coiled down in a corner. Tonight if I die, pain will stop. But I know it wont happen, not tonight. For out of the mud I came to be, by the Word and the breath of the Lord. Brought me life, for a reason and a purpose. With the freedom, I choose to accept and seek knowing that I will reach all that I came here for. Believing in the One who called me to life. Though my body screams in pain, my heart beats off rhythm, my bones ache and crush, though my muscles burn and my skin dries, though my breath fades and my sight dims; Within my spirit there lies a treasure of non failing energy and strength, might and power exceeding my limits. All I need, I have and what I expect, I will get. For I never desired nor wanted, not even the life. But I was given this life and this time by the grace and Love of the One, even when I failed, He made me a way through death. The Lord is a God of the living, and I am one. Alive

Muppet Show Mhanamanah

Addicting melody used to haunt my head since I was a kid! I love it!

Will?

Sometimes when the clock ticks, hope seems less real. more stress, more doubt, will the hero make it and save the world disarming the bomb? Will he stop this never ending countdown. Clocks don't count the time of the future, they take the present to the past. Something in me tells me I will make it, inspite of all the odds and challenges. Time is my deadliest enemy, yet I know that I will conquor it, not because I can, but because my Lord can!

Tired

Legs running a sequence of never ending steps in this endless race, Heart beats out the heart, mind so dim, breath so thirsty, blinding bouncing. Days and nights I still my life. No peace for the living, everything seem to be the face cover of my enemy, everything turns out to be his mask. he has made all things around me to be weapons for my destruction, people, things, animals and even words and jokes.

I fell a thousand times, yet I get up, though I want to give up, something in me tells me to try again. Something in me wants me to press on, each step I take is a battle in itself, every heartbeat is another war. Where do I get the strength? Where do I get the Hope? Where does my help come from?? Is it not the Lord, my soul? Is it not Him who lifts me up? Is it not He who brought me out of Egypt, the land of slavery? And yet it will be Him who will bring me to His rest, it's He who will give me victory over His enemy, It's He who will give me this land.

Fail me not my heart, trust the Lord your God and persevere, for life and goodness is for you, gracefully given by your loving Father.

Help me O Lord, for body is fainting, yet my soul seeks to go on. Grab me by the hand and pull me out of this. Carry me for I am so weak, bring me to your rest and save me from the traps of my enemies. And You Lord will be praised in all the earth for You are Good, You only are God

Summer

Mind tired and head so heavy. The heat hunts my energy, draining the life out of me. At the edge of nowhere, consumed by trying to look for tomorrow. "What now?" I ask, Lifting my eyes to God. I am in the middle of Nowhere Lord, closer to the edge of space. Time is not mine to manage anymore, Energy slips through my fingers into the sand. You speak of great things, yet where I am is so low. I want to panic, rebel, worry; but I keep reminding myself of Faith. I don't want to loose the promises because of my unfaithfulness, and lack of trust. Help me! I can't do this alone, Help me do it. I can't do it by myself, I need You Lord.

War is upon me, my enemies are using all weapons to kill my spirit within me and captivate my very own soul. They want to put out the flame kindled within me before the light spreads, killed in infancy, they seek to kill me in my cradle. Goodness is not found in them, honesty is far from them. Tongues of lies and bodies of lust, words of deceit and their steps lead to hell. Days and nights they attack me, waves after waves they come. I swim, and I drown, then I reach out for air again. My Life is within me yet, the storm is far away from ending, the night seem so long and the darkness seems without end. Knives thrust through my mind and flesh tearing through my will.

I look up to you Lord, and to You I lift my silent cries, with invisible tears I cry within me. I wait and wonder, When? I have waited and waited and yet I don't know, Maybe I understood You wrong, But No! If You have told me once I would have doubted, More than one time in many ways You told me. But You never told me when.. May my prayers reach your courts, may my case be considered, I shall trust your Goodness and your Love to me and I will rest my case for I know that the Lord has bent His ears to my words, His eyes sees my mere existence and knows it all. All He has done is for good and after the turning of days I shall know and witness for His Grace, The day will come when I will rejoice in the name of the Lord my God, He shall deliver me, and into the promise He shall establish my throne, All that His mouth have spoken, Shall come to pass, and I will Glorify the Lord my God and Father forever.

At the shores of the Promised Land.

Tired. Can't sleep, can't wake up. Mind so weary of thinking. So many uncertainties. When I sleep I dream of all them, the worst always happens there. When I am awake I see visions of all the good God promised me. Day and Night, Good and Evil. Continual war is upon me, I can't loose guard for a second. Sounds like too much, but when I think of it, I choose to remind myself that He knows all. The Lord shall not forsake me, and above all He knows what I go through. He has a purpose of all this and the outcome will be for good.

Make my hands strong O Lord for my enemies have gathered around me, they lay in wait for my soul, setting a trap for my mind and spirit. Make way for me through the sea, they stood on the shore laughing at me saying "where is your God now? How would he take you across without a boat? Your arms are not even strong to swim. Come back with us to your place, under the tables again." I look up to you my Lord for my enemies have mocked me, they have belittled my faith, telling me there is no way out for me. But Lord I choose to believe, even if it is getting hard, I don't want to give up just before the dawn and band my eyes forever. Your promises are so sweet and precious that I would never be able to find their match somewhere else. Help me Lord, Father! for I am so tired.

The Spirit of the Lord awakes me, Gives me a new breath in my nostrils, a new beat for my heart and a new way for my feet to go. Through lots of water He creates a way, through walls and mountains, He makes a new path. Wonders and miracles are the work of His hands, the second He chooses the Time. He will bring my righteousness to the light, and declare cleanliness of my hands, for I have followed Him with all my heart and kept His laws. His mercies surround me all the days of my life, and I shall see the goodness of the Lord forever.

Bleeding but nod dead yet.

Mind so tired to vibrate, the is not much energy left in me. The day, i fight people; at night, their ghosts. It's a war that goes on all against me, not stopping or coming to a halt. A war that will only stop by my defeat. I lost many battles, but yet somehow I got to rise to fight another one. Blood is on my hands, the enemy knows me when he hears my name, or even feels my breath and heartbeat. The enemy that hides within the tree, within the holes, within darkness. through the cracks of my past he creeps in, attacks my walls from within. Taking a face of fear, or a face of a friend, resourceful as he is he leaves no chance for chance, prepares his traps for me ahead, lures me into his nets. dipping his hooks in my flesh. They are all around O Lord! They are everywhere to be found, I have not found peace since even before I was born, War is upon me all day and all night. Within the folds of the hearts of loved ones he hide, taking disguises in those who i trusted. No rest for me, nor a place to rest my head. I might be fallen but not defeated, I might be beaten, wounded and even bleeding my life out but noway I am giving up life. My time is not here yet and shall not be. Though i might be alone, I am not forsaken! Him who made my days a fact shall not let my defeat a reality, shall not leave me a prize to His enemies. He, is why i am here, and He is why I shall be here even more. The ones who once beat me shall fall, the ones who forsaken me shall regret yet my hands shall not bear the iniquity of avenging myself. Him who called me is the Judge of all and at His time He shall bring Justice upon the Earth.

Save me O Lord, Save me from the death that lingers within the folds of my heart. Don't let my enemies overcome me, don't make my enemy rejoice for my failure. Lift me up again my Lord and breath in me life that I might rise again. I have fallen yet the Lord has not abandoned me, I have failed yet He shall not fail me. To His words I hold my faith. For every single word He spoke is true, those that were not fulfilled till now, will be. Not one of His words shall fade or be forgotten. I doubt the existence of this earth more than I doubt that a letter of His words should die, For His words are life breathing into the listener, They create, restore and support. Him who loves me is greater that existence and greater than life, for life is in Him. Him who loves me Will Save Me! out of this tomb he shall lift me up. HE is the One My soul awaits, He shall call for a day of victory and a day of Rejoicing in this land.

Forgive me Lord for I have sinned greatly against you, Save me from death and blackness. My soul seeks you and my heart squeezes my sinful blood out of it. I die so that I might live, I leave that I might find, I give up that I might Gain. You. Lord. Father. Strike me with your fire, Burn me and purify me with your HOLY SPIRIT. Sanctify and Anoint me again. Bring me under you wings of Love. I see them, Those blood drops of Jesus falling, for a sinner that is me. I have seen the salvation of the Lord, I have seen His Lamb, I have seen His ever living Alter, His Tree of Life! I shall not Fall to my enemies, I shall RISE, For His desire is not for me to go in darkness but to overcome in the Light. I shall not fail, I shall not Loose for now I know that You are with me Lord, Now I know your shield is all around me. I am not little I am great for the Lord is on my side. The enemy is broken before your face Lord, the hooks, the net, the traps and the holes of darkness are broken. The Lord gives me victory today over my enemy, The Lord Saves me, and to His promises He will bring me. Tonight I declare the Victory of the Lord. In my weakness He is strong. I was fallen but Now I am up. To war, To hell or doom, I shall be. He shall save me out of the lion, the bear,the giant or even a raging army. for He is the Lord, In Him I trust and He shall never Fail me nor Forsake me.

Status Functional

Stress Stress Stress, dead lines, running, not much time not much energy, Over loaded schedule! too tired, can’t find some sleep. Subway sometimes is so tricky, i end up taking the wrong trains a lot of time, thought each of them is significantly marked! it seems like my mind is stuck somewhere else, don’t know. Sleepless, seeking rest, mindless seeking an idea. what have I become? just another slot machine, put some food and water, press a button and it’s on the run again. Yet I feel, couple of days ago i thought I was numb, but actually I am not, I am burdened to the extent that I no longer know what I am doing no more. I don’t, I Function! That's ALL.

Stripped

Been a long long day, the final thing we had was an open audition. I watched a dozen talents perform, but only a few left a mark. It was a new experience to me, learnt a lot. Most of all I realized I had an eye for a director, I might not have discovered a talent, but at least I discovered myself. One of the comments that made me reach that realization was a comment made by one of the instructors that an actual director would know a talented actor from a non talented one in seconds. Amazingly I could read the talents the first couple of seconds they started acting! even if that first performance wasn't up to standard. I could see the fear in them, I could see the trapped talent too. It was great. But I am so tired.

Emotionally I am so exhausted, I don't know what I feel any more. I became so independent since I came here, loneliness doesn't hurt me any more. I don't feel love or hate. The only thing I feel is hunger and exhaustion, heh! crazy. I feel I am stripped out of my human feelings, like a lion bread for war, you will have to rip him into pieces before he gives in. What heart am I? What kind of man am I? What have I become? A monster, a beast, skinned alive and yet feels nothing. What do I do?? I only leave a question knowing that I might not find the answer, maybe never. I don't know.

Another Day

Another Day in New York, The weather is so changing, you cannot predict what tomorrow will bring. Went shooting yesterday with my team. we finished ahead of schedule, good. Today we got a lot of things to do too.. editing, directing and stuff. Tired. Guys here are so worried about the final project, well we should be anyway. I keep avoiding the thought of it. Anyway, It seems pretty engaging yet exhausting. After all that's what I expected anyway, I am not disappointed. That's good. I have to get going now, Got some Directing Craft session.

Transition

Out of Egypt, for the first time. It has been long since I started having visions of the future, getting to know my purpose in life. The reason and meaning. Waiting times are not pleasant, but necessary to forge the core of man. Pain molds the heart of the artists, brings out their sensitive character so as to feel and reflect others and souls of the deep secrets hidden from the beholders passing by. A crown comes with its own burdens, a throne has its own thorns. People might envy the looks but overlook the price. I was born for nothing, but created for a purpose, Him who is One keeps it within the folds of His heart for me. I who is nothing, promised to be someone, promised a Hope and a Future. It is He who raised me out of the shadows of death that has brought me to the glory of light. In Him I Trust.